Dec 8, 2015

To the boy I never stood a chance against.

To the boy who calls me his best friend- I never stood a chance against you,

I was trying so hard not to text you today. There were so many little things I wanted to tell you but I was trying to follow the "rules" since technically it is your turn to text first. And nothing. All day. Nothing. I realize I am over thinking and being a total girl. But I have feelings for you even though I know I am not supposed to! You were upfront and honest with me from the beginning, that you weren't ready for anything serious and just needed a friend and I told myself that was fine. I could be a friend. But that was before we talked every day. Before I started to have feelings for you and way before I thought I'd end up here with all these emotions.  Not that they are bad. I just have to tell myself that I am on a different page and know that you want something different.

I am grateful for your friendship. You have quickly become one of my greatest friends. I tell you all the random things that nobody else would care about and you humor me by listening. I can't believe I have fallen when from the beginning that was all I had to avoid.

I am not going to apologize for developing feelings but I will apologize for keeping my distance now. I am going to build up those walls around my heart and tell myself not to feel. The thing is, I don't know if you'll ever be ready to feel for me the way I do for you.

For the last month it's as if we have spent every day together- we go to bed together, we wake up together. (Since my phone is glued to my hand as I lay in bed alone waiting for your next text or snapchat.) You are the last person I think about before I go to bed and the first person I think about when I wake up. When I think about it that way... Well duh I fell for you.

Now it's just a matter of ignoring the feelings, trying not to be such a girl, and to stop thinking about it but that doesn't sit well with me. I have to let it go.  That is what I keep telling myself and yet my head and heart have two very different ideas.

So, what is a girl to do when she falls for the guy that just needs a friend? Well, she sucks it up and she becomes the best friend that guy could ever hope for. She avoids being too much or over the top. She holds back things she wants to say so that she doesn't come on too strong. The fear of scaring him away and loosing him forever is enough to keep her holding on to that little piece of hope that someday you'll make her yours. So until you wise up and see what is right in front of you, she'll be there. She'll have that place in her heart for the rest of her life. And it'll be there whether you claim it or not.

I know, because I am that girl and I have a spot for you. It'll be there if you ever decide to take it.


Sincerely, the girl who fell for you.

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